“I Think I Might Be A Superhero” 7 Newfound Superpowers Developed During Dry Jan
Every superhero has their origin story.
Some have been orphaned by powerful beings from distant worlds; some have been the result of a freak lab accident. More and more, fated individuals are gaining surprising powers through participation in the Dry Jan Experiment.
What kind of powers you ask?
1. The Power of Shapeshifting: Alcohol clocks in at 7 calories per gram, but these calories are particularly worse than most. Because alcohol inhibits nutrients from being metabolized, the nutrients have to go somewhere, and that somewhere is into our fat storage. So if you want to lose weight and change your body size (maybe to slide into that slick new superhero outfit), a booze break can help.
2. The Power of Mind Control: In the short term, alcohol consumption can block chemical signals in the brain causing slurred speech, deterioration of motor skills, and memory loss, (rather embarrassingly, most of us have felt these effects first-hand). Long-term heavy drinking has even been shown to shrink the frontal lobes of the brain impairing cognitive ability. But time off from drinking has been demonstrated to regenerate grey matter and brain tissue in a self-healing process. Want to have mind control? Better learn to control your own first.
3. The Power to Control The Future: Early-onset dementia has been linked to heavy drinking with astoundingly high percentages. Studies vary, but hospitals tend to report linking 25% to 38% of all their early-onset dementia cases to heavy drinking. If you could see dementia in your own future and had the power to prevent it by taking a break from alcohol, wouldn’t you devote all your superpowers to it?
4. The Power to Absorb Other Powers: Alcohol prevents your body from absorbing crucial vitamins and minerals to such a point that chronic drinkers tend to show signs of malnutrition regardless of their diet. The whole gut biome is damaged as alcohol kills cells in the intestine and stomach lining that help process vital nutrients. Need that super healthy meal to give you enough superpower to take on your super tasks? Well the time away from booze may boost your powers as much as the meal itself.
5. The Power to Recharge Your Superpowers: Hate to break it to ya, but ‘passing out’ after a hard night’s drinking doesn’t even scratch the surface in recharging you, no matter how many hours you’re out. Quality sleep requires pushing deeper past the REM stage into ‘deep sleep’ stages where the true recharging, refreshing, and even memory-saving occurs. From even a short alcohol break you may find yourself needing less coffee to take on your day of saving citizens and bringing justice to evil-doers.
6. The Power to Reverse Time: No, you don’t need a zany professor to build you a time machine. No portals, no wormholes either. You just need a little time off the hard stuff. Your liver does the brunt of the work breaking down alcohol, and after excessive regular consumption, cirrhosis occurs when scar tissue forms and the liver can no longer function properly. Excessive drinking also causes fatty liver disease, but taking a break can give time for the liver to heal, decrease inflammation, and reduce fat deposits. Alcohol also accelerates signs of aging. Collagen, which keeps the skin firm and structured, deteriorates with alcohol consumption while the reduction of vitamins prevents skin cell regeneration leading to an ashen color. Lean into that alcohol hiatus, because you’re going to want that nice photo-ready face when the local papers shoot front-page pictures of you saving the city…again.
7. The Power to Defeat Killer Villains: More than super villains, more than arch-nemeses, it is the cold-killer known as heart disease that is the leading cause of death in the United States, accounting for about 1 in 4 deaths. Alcohol raises blood pressure both in the short and long term, which is a major contributor to heart disease. The narrowing of blood vessels increases blood pressure which damages arteries, puts undue strain on the heart, and increases the risk of stroke in addition to heart disease. Furthermore, the high caloric intake associated with drinking increases cholesterol, leading to blockages in arteries that cause heart attacks. Fortunately, the effects of hypertension and increased blood pressure are rapidly reversed once alcohol is removed from the system. It’s time to partake in Dry Jan and restore your powers to defeat the ultimate super villain, heart disease.
Even the greatest superheroes use some form of assistance to actualize their true purpose, whether through a sidekick, or an object that brings out their powers, ie: a glowing ring, or cape. Monday zero-proof spirits taste like the real deal, lending themselves to crafting delicious alc-free cocktails to give you the superpowers needed to save-the-day from the villainous effects of alcohol.
You have the secrets to access your new superpowers…
Your greatest destiny calls,
Now go, grab your Monday, dry your Jan, and power up!